In May 2024, I published a post about my learning from three surgeries in seventeen hours. It turned out, I had a series of complications after the initial three procedures and had to go back to the doctors three more times. The sixth time being another visit to the ER and another operation.
by Zhou Fang, Intersectional Group
I don't claim to be a "tough cookie" or "invincible" when it comes to illness and pain. I had, however, always considered myself "high pain tolerance" (which is problematic). After all, "I will push through" was my mantra and I had always, well, "pushed through". When I had a brutal realization that I was having a series of complications post-operation, I felt defeated, scared, frustrated, and disappointed. My brilliant plan to "go back to normal capacity in no time" didn't work out.
Before I list the lessons I have been learning, here is the rough timeline of my six procedures: May 16, 3 procedures (initial visit, second, then the ER and operation); May 26, first complication, monitored overnight; May 27, clinic, another procedure; May 28, complication again, back to clinic; June 3, complication again, back to the ER, then second operation, overnight stay at the hospital. June 4, discharged from the hospital.
Lesson 1: As written in the first post, it is impossible to overstate the importance of self-advocacy and help from others. 🙋♀️
Everytime I communicated with my health providers, I used straightforward, clear language that described "How I feel" and "What is happening" at the moment, including in both written and verbal communications. In between those visits, I would write to my providers via patient portal and tell them what was happening. Based on my description, they would advise me what to do: monitor, stay put, go to the clinic, or go to the ER. I also had the opportunity to speak to my doctors on the phone which helped a lot during emergency. I was accompanied by loved ones during my visits.
Due to systemic racism, sexism, and other biases, patients like myself are not always believed or taken seriously. It can be dangerous or life threatening. Fortunately, in addition to self-advocacy, I usually had loved ones accompany me and helped me voice up and get the care I needed.
Lesson 2: Our society is fundamentally Ableist and doesn't do enough for folks with disabilities. ❤️🩹
It takes about 30 mins by car from my house to the clinic or the hospital. During those rides, I, without exaggeration, screamed and cursed so much because of the extra pain the roads caused me. The bumps and the potholes made my already excruciating pain so much worse. Every tiny bump or shake during transit for a patient can feel like a punch in the gut (or wherever the pain is). If you lived in or visited Portland, you would agree that the roads here are ridiculously broken. On a good day, it is an inconvenience. On a day when you are on your way to the ER, the road is a killer. (Hello City of Portland, please fix the roads so that patients don't get punished for not being healthy enough.)
Although I had six procedures in a short period of time, from the outside, I look well and healthy. All the "fixes" happened inside of my body. As a result, when I am in public, I feel the need of "acting normal" "standing straight" or "walking normal". This is my internal Ableist mindset and I am continuing to work on it. As someone with invincible disability even before the surgeries, I am trying to get used to this new mantra: "It is OK you are not able to do what you used to be able to do now. You went through major trauma. Don't downplay it."
Lesson 3: Our world desperately needs more funding and research on Women's Health. 👩🔬
Like many self-claimed "tech savvy" people, I tried to search the Internet for possible answers and resources related to my medical case. I found ONE case study that is similar to my case. ONE. While my case isn't exactly common, the fact that I could only find one similar case study boggled my mind. Even after talking to my health providers, I didn't get clear responses to "why I had the complications and why it took so many attempts before my body responded to the medical treatments".
Unsurprisingly, our world has not done nearly enough for women's health. It is counterintuitive: women, and folks with a reproductive system, a population that literally carries the human species through history and time, surely should have received numerous funding and resources in scientific and medical studies? Afterall, our body and health is directly associated with the continuity of the human species. The reality says otherwise. I challenge leaders in all fields and offices to look at your daughters, nieces, wives, mothers, grandmothers in the eye and say: "We don't need more funding and resources in women's health." Do we have the nerve to do that? No? Then take women's health seriously so that our daughters, nieces, mothers, wives, and grandmothers won't suffer as much as those who went through hell already.
Lesson 4: Patience and Compassion are two vital ingredients in healing. 💙
I consider myself a compassionate person. Still, I find myself inpatient and anxious about the seemingly never ending healing process. Rationally, I know it hasn't been that long. It has been barely 2 months since my first surgery. In Chinese wisdom, we need at least 2 to 3 months to heal from major trauma. For me, it was 6 almost back to back procedures. Letting my body heal properly is that least I can do for myself.
However, my Capitalism-trained mind criticizes myself for not being able to "get back to work". Everytime I had to reschedule the events I committed to, I find myself trying to justify it. The thing is, I don't need justification. Me trying to heal a wounded body is the perfect justification for me to say "no".
To whoever is also on a healing journey, it is OK to take all the time we need. Be patient and compassionate to ourselves. We need them to heal.
Lesson 5: Our body is amazing. Treat it with love and respect. 🤲
Although my body went through so much pain, hemorrhage, and trauma, it is carrying me through it all with resilience, grace, and endurance. It tells me where and when to pay attention by sending signals of discomfort and tension. It tells me to eat, hydrate, and rest so that I have the energy to heal (afternoon naps are great!)
Every breath we take, every heartbeat we feel, every pinch we sense, or even the noises our body is making, is telling us that it is working really hard to help us heal and be OK.
To borrow what my doctor told me: "It takes a lot of energy to grow back what we lost. You need to eat more so that your body can do its job." Here is my word to my body: I will always take you seriously; I will never take you for granted again; I will treat you with care, love, gratitude, and respect; please continue to carry me through this life.
Lesson 6: We can really turn lemon into sweet lemonade. 🍋
Since late May, I have drastically cut my work load. Right now, I am at maybe 50% capacity or less. In June, my capacity was even lower. So now I had all the time in the world. What do I do? In addition to more reading and contemplating about life, looking at and talking to my plants and dog, I remembered this tool I had neglected for too long: Duolingo (disclaimer: not an ad). I have always wanted to learn Spanish but never committed. Today, July 11, I am at 37-day streak and I am able to form (very) simple sentences. My goal is to speak the language. Wish me luck.
Another lemonade gifted to me during my recovery is being sober. Because alcohol is a blood thinner and can cause more internal bleeding, I haven't had a boozy drink for a few weeks (yes I do taste my partner's drinks but they are more like "drops" :) and I do feel energetically better. It is hard to describe as I get tired easily from my body trying to repair itself. But I feel my mind is a little clearer and I haven't had one of those strange headaches. Because I know I can't have a drink, I also (almost) stopped thinking about it when dinner time comes. I don't know if I will be able to go entirely sober when my body is fully healed, I do believe that I will be much more mindful about alcohol going forward.
Lesson 7: Community and Generosity. 👭👫👬🧑🤝🧑
Perhaps the most important lesson, or rather, reminder, is How incredibly kind and generous my community has been for me and my household.
For weeks, I couldn't walk my dog, who is a standard poodle and needs a lot of exercise. It was very common for my dog to have 2 or more people take him out for either a walk or some doggy play time in one day. Oftentimes, it was my neighbors and friends who asked me if I needed help first thing in the morning before I even started to think about it. I joked that my dog is probably very happy to see me at home doing nothing because he gets to do so much more :)
My fridge and freezer have also been blessed by my community. I got soups, pies, fruits, meals, snacks from neighbors and friends. At some point it was overflowing with foods I had to turn some folks' generosity down, which really wasn't a polite thing to do. As we Chinese say, don't turn down people's kindness, it is a good thing to do.
Only in times like this, we see the beauty of humanity shine through. And I plan to pay it forward.
Lesson 8: last, from Intersectional Leadership to Intersectional Living. 🖖🏡
Working with leaders is my job, it has been, and it will continue to be. After the surgeries and the lessons that came with the ordeal, I intend to bring my practice to the next level: from Intersectional Leadership to Intersectional Living.
We live, before we work; we be, before we do. Without living and being, there is no career and leadership. Without living and being, there is no ambition and goals.
As intersectional beings, we all should make living our priority. Only when we live, I mean really live, properly, we have the opportunity to be intersectional leaders.
With love and gratitude,
Zhou Fang
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